I wrote to my Senators, begging them not to vote for Brett Kavanaugh. One said he would vote for him while the other said he would vote no (thank you, Doug Jones). Now, after a trial where the FBI failed to do their jobs and Brett acted like a spoiled brat, the “man” was voted in any way. There’s nothing I can do about it, except support Dr. Ford and share both of my #MeToo stories and #WhyIDidntReport.
My first one happened when I was nineteen, by someone who was a very close, older friend of mine. After we spent the day hanging out, he pulled me into his car as he dropped me off at his house, forced himself on top of me and stuck his tongue in my mouth. I tried repeatedly to pull away, but I finally gave in because he wouldn’t let me go. After I gave in, he was satisfied and let me inside. I sat on my bed for twenty minutes and finally called up my then boyfriend, who shrugged it off.
The next couple of months, my “friend” was trying to convince me that I loved him and that I secretly wanted to be with him. I didn’t want to let years of our friendship go, so I played along, hoping that our friendship would go back to normal. Stupid I know. It only took a few months before I snapped out of it and told him to stop contacting me.
Ashamed of what I had let happened, I buried it, only to let it out once I married my husband. Sadly, my second #MeToo moment wasn’t far off from the first one.
My ex (the same who’d shrugged it off) and I broke up a year later and he didn’t take it well. I wanted to see other people and he didn’t. I had fallen out of love with him and he didn’t want to accept that. Our relationship had been very toxic for quite some time. Every time we would start to get into a small disagreement, he would blow up and start crying hysterically. That wasn’t all, my ex constantly tried to pressure me to do things I wasn’t comfortable with. My ex would say things like, “Don’t you love me? Don’t you want me to be happy?” I had to spend all my time, away from family and friends, talking on the phone with him if I wasn’t already at his house. I thought if we broke up, I’d be free.
My ex threatened self-harm and much worse if I didn’t give in to the same demands as before. I had to spend all my time talking to him and had to go to his house often. When I went to his house, he would always promise a relaxing time between two friends, but it would always turn into him screaming at me for leaving me and him crying in the corner.
One day, I was exhausted from the fighting, so I laid on his bed to catch my breath. He then removed his shirt, pinned me down, nuzzle me and tried to force a kiss onto me. I had to push him off with all my strength and yell “Stop!” It didn’t take long after that before I cut off contact with him. But, when I tried telling people, no one wanted to hear it. My ex had perfectly crafted the nice guy role and no one wanted that image of him tainted. So, once again, I buried it, until my husband.
I have my husband to thank for helping me get through over a decade of blaming myself and feeling like I had no one to turn to because I can always turn to my soulmate. It’s because of him that I realized neither one of those instances were my fault.
I’m not saying you need a significant other or a spouse to help you through horrible things like these, but it helped me. If you can find help, even if it’s within yourself, I applaud you.
I didn’t report because of shame, guilt and I knew the second time, no one would believe me. Those nights still haunt me, but not like they used to.
Brett Kavanaugh may have been voted in, but that doesn’t mean he will silence any of us. I just want you to know if you’ve had a #MeToo moment, I’m sorry and I’m here if you want to talk.
I love you all.