Mental Health, Pain, Suicide, Abuse

The Man In The Red Mask

The Man in the Red Mask wants to kill me. Not literally, but my spirit. It’s working. No matter what, the Man in the Red Mask finds ways to violently attack me with his words.

I find ways to try to escape him, but I fear the Grim Reaper’s forever grasp more than I do his. I came face to face with the Grim Reaper recently, and I was pulled away from him. I haven’t been able to face him since.

Still, the Man in the Red Mask continues to shoot arrows at my heart. “Maybe tomorrow won’t be so bad,” I think. But the days become worse. How much longer can one hold on when the Man in the Red Mask laughs when I’m in so much pain?

2019, Rumors, Social Media, Suicide, New Beginnings, Fresh Start

Where Have I Been?

2018 was a hard year for me, filled with untrue rumors, me leaving and returning to social media, and eventually, a couple of suicide attempts.

Let’s rewind a bit.

I made a fool of myself online last year, that’s for sure. Yes, there were untrue rumors about me and friendships were lost in the process, but I truly regret the way I handled things. I was not in a good state of mind at the time because of what I was dealing with at home with a family member. I apologize for how I behaved.

But, the good news is that I’m back. So, what does this mean for the blog? Well, I’m back to doing reviews, but I want to talk about more serious topics too. From social justice issues to real-life crime. I hope you all don’t mind (Yes, social media like YouTube will still be talked about!)

So, I hope you will welcome me back. I just celebrated my 10 Year Wedding Anniversary to the love of my life and things are looking up. Here’s to 2019!

Julia Cudney, Interview, YouTube, Movie Reviews, Social Media

My Interview with YouTuber Julia Cudney

On my Birthday, September 25th, I reviewed the Netflix movie Sierra Burgess Is A Loser along with my husband, Sean. The review was inspired by Julia Cudney. The video she did that inspired our review is called, Sierra Burgess Is The Villian. I knew I had to interview this intellectual beauty. So when she said yes, it was an early birthday gift from me sent straight from Heaven!

Julia came across the same way she did in her Q&A video, down-to-earth and super sweet. We started talking about how she got started on YouTube, which was through her Teen Wolf fan Twitter account in which she would do reactions and post them online. So, she eventually moved to Youtube in order to make longer reactions as well as reviews.

Julia said (just like in her Q&A) that she would have kept up with her channel until something took off. The video that ended up taking off was her review of the movie Mean Girls 2. Julia was excited about the response but was surprised, not because it wasn’t what she wanted, but because the video had been on her channel for a while and it one day took off. So, it’s not a “lightning in a bottle” type of story, but a success story nonetheless.

I asked her what sort of reactions she gets in her comment sections of her videos and if whether or not they’re pretty positive. Julia said that a lot of people will get into arguments with each other when she does reviews and she tends to get told a lot that she should be more positive. I was shocked! Julia is there to give her opinion about movies and isn’t mean for the sake of being mean! Plus, if she gave every movie a glowing review, I guarantee you more people would complain about that!

We talked about how she likes YouTube a lot and she loves to read and watch movies, such as chick flicks and Marvel films. I asked if she’s looking forward to Captain Marvel and she said she is. I am as well.

Speaking of movies, Julia said that she would never mention Star Wars on her channel because she doesn’t want to upset that fandom. I said that I’m a nerd and admitted that the nerd community can get pretty upset over stuff they like. (But, isn’t that the same with all fandoms? Eh? Eh?)

Julia also likes channels from the Drama Community like I do. I asked her if she likes beauty videos since she’s so beautiful. She was very sweet and said that’s not the community for her. Julia doesn’t wear a lot of makeup and doesn’t connect with the fanbase.

I went on to tell her that he lashes were so full and beautiful. Julia said that she puts on fake lashes whenever she shows her face on camera. As for what brand? Julia tries all different types. I recommend Luxe Lashes after what I’ve heard. She said she’d have to look into them!

I asked her about her family’s support and she said that they were all very proud of her, especially her sisters. I told her that was great and I asked her if she was the middle, oldest or youngest? She said that she’s a middle child. I told her that’s it’s beautiful that she gets along with her sisters so well, because my sister and I get along really well, too. And she and my Mom helped teach me how to do my makeup!

Julia told me that she will always be a part of social media and try her best to make a living off of it, even if she has to get a part-time job at a dog spa in order to help pay the bills. I told her that she looks like someone who loves dogs to me. She said, “I am! How could you tell?” I told her it was by the pictures she shared of her and her dog on her Q&A Video.

She also mentioned that she might start a second channel in which she does covers of songs. The reason for the second channel is that she doesn’t want to confuse viewers by doing movie-related content one minute and song covers the next. That’s smart. Julia, if you ever start that second channel, I will definitely subscribe!

Overall, I got to know a sweet person with a beautiful mind and heart. I’m so thankful I got to talk to her and will be subscribed to her for life. Julia, you can do anything you set your mind to!

Please subscribe to her channel here, and follow her on Twitter here and Instagram here.

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Hypocrisy, Trisha Paytas, Tess Holliday, Cosmopolitan, YouTube, Plus Size

Why Are We OK with Trisha Paytas But Not Tess Holliday?

I’m writing this blog because Trisha Paytas recently got mad at H3H3 for their comments on Tess Holliday. So it got me thinking and I thought I’d write about these two women and how we, as a society, view them.

Everyone has been up in arms about Tess Holliday being on the cover of Cosmopolitan UK, and I can understand. Tess scammed her fans and has reportedly lied about her weight. I’m all for plus size models, but is 300 pounds (allegedly) too much? I believe so. This is coming from someone who has lost 100 pounds and was once pre-diabetic. But my question is, why are we OK with Trisha Paytas but not Tess Holliday?

Trisha regularly does mukbangs, pretended to be gay, pretended to adopt a black baby, keeps gaining weight and flaunts it, and people are OK with it….why? I’m not saying this too shame Trisha or to send hate her way. But why the hypocrisy?

I believe if we’re going to get mad at Tess (and rightfully so), we should hold Trisha to the same standards. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “But Sarah, Trisha is satire!” Well, tell that to POC and the LGBTQ Community. Also, her weight isn’t satire. That’s real life. Plus, why does Trisha get away with offensive jokes but most people don’t? Because, “Oh, that’s just Trisha!” That’s not an explanation. Either they’re both OK or they’re both wrong.

In my eyes, they’re both wrong. They both need to improve their health and mind their actions better. I’m not saying they need to do a complete 180 from who they are, but they both need to get healthier (not stick thin), Trisha needs to stop being overly offensive, and Tess needs to own up to scamming fans.

Again, this blog isn’t about spreading hate. This isn’t about attacking these women. Please don’t stop being fans of theirs because of me. I’m just asking you to think. If you disagree, let me know. If you agree, again, let me know. Just please remember, this is merely my opinion and mine alone. Thank you for reading.

I have an Affiliate Link for Gerard Cosmetics. If you use my link, I’ll make 20% off of what you buy. Thank you!

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Beauty Community, Rumors, Mistakes, Social Media

Why I Left Social Media

I made some mistakes a few months ago that led to me leaving social media, accusing people of cyberbullying when I shouldn’t have. But I’m writing this blog as a form of therapy and I don’t want anyone to think this a type of revenge. Just read and keep your minds and hearts open.

All of this started over an influencer I don’t like, Thomas Halbert and his “white privilege” video. I called his bluff on it and didn’t take him seriously. There were a few people who got so mad at me because they felt like I was not applauding Thomas for his “bravery” and therefore, siding with Jeffree Starr (I wasn’t siding with him, by the way.) But, it ended several friendships and lead to a horrible, untrue rumor about me and my character……over an INFLUENCER!

One of my friends at that time, who is a smaller YouTuber, DM’d me and “tried to talk some sense into me.” After some arguing back and forth, I said, “We’re done here.” She said, “Oh, ok,” and I thought that was the end of it. Sadly, she kept tweeting at me including another small Youtuber plus a few others. Eventually, the Youtubers blocked me and I overreacted and said that I was bullied. I almost OD’d. I had to enter treatment, but that had to do with mental illnesses. I’m sorry for what I said.

When I tried to rejoin Twitter later, I found out that the YouTuber who had DM’d me had said that I not only caused her miscarriage but that I had “invalidated it.” WHAT?! I didn’t even know she was pregnant. I started getting messages from people whom I thought were friends telling me that I had caused her so much stress I caused her to miscarry. That was it, I was done with Twitter for good.

I’m not saying that she didn’t miscarry, I would never make such an accusation. But if she had been so worried about stress, then she never should have DM’d me and she should have left the conversation alone when I said “We’re done here,” instead of continuing to tweet me. Also, she has a long, devastating history of miscarriages, so that means when we were talking, she was at a high-risk pregnancy, so she didn’t need to do anything that would cause her stress. I know that the most recent miscarriage must have taken a toll on her, but making up lies about me and saying things that aren’t true (like how I “invalidated” it when I never knew she was pregnant) only adds fuel to the fire.

I’m not doing this for sympathy and I’m not asking for her or anyone else to be attacked. I know I made a huge mistake by playing the bullying card, but know I’m not as bad as some people think that I am. Again, I’m writing this a way to get this off my chest once and for all, and NOT for revenge.

I’ll probably catch the next wave of social media and use it for business purposes only. Until then, I’ll be expanding my blog, going back to school, and focusing on my mental health as well as my faith. I thank my friends (such as Panicked Antics, BTS, Jen Gerard, GadgetBeat30, Keren Joy, and Spektator), my husband, my mom, my sister, and my God, for getting me through this.

I hope you all have a Merry Chrismas. Peace and love to you all.

Update: I decided to at least give Instagram another shot. Follow me @photographgirl86. Don’t worry, I’m taking it day by day. Peace!

Samantha Ravndhal, Beauty Gurus, YouTube, Beauty Community, PR Packaging, Panicked Antics, Tati Westbrook, Unpopular Opinions

My Unpopular Opinion on Samantha Ravndhal Giving Up PR.

Beauty Guru Samantha Ravndhal caused a lot of chatter in the beauty community with her video, NO MORE PR, in which she said she would be taking her name off of all of the PR Lists she’s on, but not sponsorship deals. I suggest you watch her video to get the whole story, but the very slimmed down version of it is that she would get sent anywhere between 20-30 PR Packages a week and couldn’t use all of it, and they were creating a huge amount of waste. So, why is that such a problem for me? Shouldn’t I be applauding her?

I want to stress that Samantha made several excellent points about the amount of waste the packaging comes in and how she gets several products that would never work for her and her channel. Completely on her side about that. My first problem is if you’re constantly having to remind us of how privileged you are, then are you really as self-aware as you think you are?

The other point I want to make, which my friend, Panicked Antics made perfectly in her video about the situation, was that this was coming from a YouTuber who has complained in the past about how she hates her job, but she only does it for the money. This, right here, is why I don’t find her to be so…heroic? Samantha isn’t doing this job because of her pure love of makeup, but only because the money is good. (You can view the video here.) I feel like if this same statement were to come from a beauty guru like Tati Westbrook, who LOVES her job, then I would applaud it more because Tati isn’t doing YouTube, “just for the money.”

I’ll admit, I was a little nervous writing this blog. Last time I spoke out on Thomas Halbert, I lost several friends and lies were spread about me, such as I caused a friend to miscarry because of the stress I caused her! (Yes, really! Didn’t know she was pregnant,  don’t know why she emailed me in the first place, but, um, OK then?)  So I don’t want this to turn into Thomas Halbert 2.0 I want us all to have a healthy discussion about this.

Do you disagree? Great! Tell me in the comments. Do you agree? Great! Again, tell me in the comments. Just don’t think I’m the spawn of Satan because I don’t think a beauty guru is as transparent as others perceive them to be. It’s just my opinion. It’s not Gospel.

I hope I gave you all something to think about and just know, I don’t dislike Samantha. I just question her motives. Let me end this with a quote by Samantha herself, “Everyone loves honesty when it’s agreeable.” Peace!

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I have an Affiliate Link for BH Cosmetics. If you use my link, I’ll make 8% off of what you buy! Thank you!


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The Desert AIDS Project, YouTube, Michael Lawrence, MichaelBePetty, Amberlynn Reid, YouTube, LGBTQ

Michael Lawernce aka: MichaelBePetty Interview

Michael Lawrence aka: MichaelBePetty is a YouTuber best known for his Amberlynn Redif reactions. Some people see Michael as a bully, but as someone who was bullied, there is a clear difference between giving someone the criticism they deserve (we’ll get to that in a moment) and just being mean for the fun of it.

I’ve been a fan of Michael’s for a while now, so I was delighted when he agreed to do a Skype interview. When I got the message that he was ready to go for our interview, I ran to my husband and I’s room and jumped on Skype! I was ready!

Michael was very sweet and open to any questions I had. I wanted to know about his anxiety because I have generalized anxiety disorder as well. Michael said that he touches his nose as a way to self-soothe and he didn’t even realize he did it until his livestreams. Michael then explained it and he got around forty direct messages about how so many others do the same thing.

I remember Michael mentioned it’s a problem on dates; so, I asked him what it’s like explaining it to the guys he goes out with. He said when he wants any kind of relationship, even a friendship, Michael will end up explaining his way of self-soothing because, like I said, he does it without realizing it. Michael said he doesn’t want to basically say, “Here’s all the stuff you have to look forward to.” Usually, though, things turn out fine when he explains things.

I told him that I took issue with him being called a bully because I see him as someone who has been in Amberlynn Reid’s shoes at one time, and that’s why he’s so tough on her during his livestreams. Michael agreed and said that he’s shocked that people call Zachery Michael (you can read our interview here) a bully, and he admitted that Zach is pretty tame compared to him. Then, he went on to say that he doesn’t hate Amberlynn just because she’s fat and that it’ss a stupid reason to not like someone. I agreed. Michael said that some of his best friends are fat and a lot of them like to hang out. “When you’re fat, you all tend to hang out together,” he laughed. In fact, just like Zach and I, Michael agrees that Kandy Fox is a cool person. (You can also read my interview with her here!) Michael doesn’t care that she does Big Beautiful Women content, as long as she doesn’t have this completely selfish attitude (which is being nice when it comes to Amberlynn), then there’s no reason to dislike Kandy.

We talked about social justice issues because Amberlynn allegedly made false rape accusations against her ex, which he seemed to debunk very well. So well in fact that Amberlynn took down her video in which she accused him. We discussed the #MeToo Movement and how glad we were that this accusation was made before it started; not that it should have been made in the first place, but Michael believes Amberlynn would have made this whole #MeToo fluff piece and milked it for all its entirety.

Michael went on to say that he has a #MeToo moment (I have two myself). His story is not mine to tell. And mine, in particular, is for another blog. But I was thankful to have this conversation with him.

We went on to talk about other social justice issues and it’s something that Michael would like to talk about his channel, but it’s definitely a triggering point for any audience. Like, when he said that he’s a person of color and Amberlynn doesn’t know what it’s like to be oppressed (I agree with him), but someone actually got upset with him and blew up at him, going, “Why would you say that?!” Michael went on to say that he’s mixed race and he knows that not all white people are racist and he’d like to talk about that, but he’s nervous. I understand considering the reaction he got before.

While we’re still on the topic, Amberlynn mentioned in a vlog that she would go back in time and stand up for Rosa Parks. Not only did Michael call her bluff, but so did everyone else in the Ambercon 2018 Livestream. I told Michael that I had Tweeted her and asked her if she did anything on behalf of those who take a knee or Black Lives Matter. Amberlynn said nothing. Michael wasn’t surprised at all. Race is an important issue that Michael would like to talk about more because he’s half black and was raised by his white grandparents, but he doesn’t want to stir up controversy. I hope he’s able to find a way to discuss it because it’s HIS Channel and he has every right to talk about what he wants to talk about.

I asked him about his future regarding both YouTube and his personal life. In regards to YouTube, Michael does want to react to different channels but not just because they happen to be fat. Michael gets requests all the time from people saying stuff like, “React to Amy Slaton, react to Tammy Slaton, etc.” Like I said before, Michael doesn’t dislike someone just because they’re fat, so why would he react to a person’s channel just because they’re overweight?

Personally, Michael is very close to his grandmother and wants to stay close to her and take care of her. Some people wonder why he doesn’t put her in a nursing home, but Michael wants to take care of her and love her until he’s not physically able to anymore because of everything she has done for him. I think that’s beautiful, and that’s how I feel about my Mom and Father-in-law.

As far as career’s go, Michael wants to be a nurse. Surgeries and changing patients’ casts don’t bother him. He said that he has an iron-clad stomach and that the reason why he wants to be a nurse is that so many nurses have been positive influences in his life and he wants to do the same for others.

When it comes to YouTube, this isn’t Michael’s long-term plan. Nursing is. I know we’ll all miss Michael, but he’s making the right move by doing what HE loves. Plus, there’s not a contract that you sign with YouTube that guarantees you a job. You could be making a full-time worker’s income one moment and be flat broke the next. I think Michael is being smart.

I asked Michael what charities he’s passionate about and he said The Desert AIDS Project. I learned through him that a lot of elderly members of the LGBTQ Community moved to Southern California because it’s warmer there and it’s better for their health since winter was too harsh on their already frail bodies.

I look forward to Michael’s future content as well as watching him broaden his reactions and finding a way to say what’s in his heart. Michael is a good person and I’m thankful that I got to know him. I hope to keep in touch with him, even when he gets off of YouTube.

Please subscribe to his YouTube Channel here and follow him on Twitter here.

I have an Affiliate Link for Gerard Cosmetics. If you use my link, I’ll make 20% off of what you buy. Thank you!

I have an Affiliate Link for BH Cosmetics. If you use my link, I’ll make 8% off of what you buy! Thank you!

I have an Affiliate Link for UGG. Click the bottom link (the very top one right below) so I can get some commission. Thank you!

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